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A sitcom set in a brothel in a large house in the London suburbs There are six 30 minute episodes. There are three sets:- the Lounge, the Kitchen, the Entrance Hall. There are three main characters, as follows:- GEORGE: a failed novelist and mediocre poet who lives in the attic. He is in his early thirties and is secretely in love with Hedda, one of the prostitutes. He does his best to conceal his rampant egomania, but often acts like a prima donna. VERONICA: the Madame. She owns the brothel and is secretely in love with George. This is why she puts up with him and charges only a token rent for the attic. She is an attractive redhead in her early thirties and a hard businesswoman. She is rather intense and has always been unlucky in love. JACK: the minder and handyman. He is a transvestite, in his mid-fifties, stout and with a face like Arthur Mullard. He always wears make-up, but applies it very subtlely. He wears dresses only occasionally; normally his clothes are chic and unisex. He' s known Veronica for a long time. Other characters appearing in episode three, ALIENS, are:- Dr Morell: the house physician. He is about sixty years old and wears spectacles and black gloves. He has a gammy leg and talks like the film star, Peter Lorre. Steve and Dan: two aliens from Altair. They are leathery, bat-like creatures and are obviously not of this world. They are small, humanoid in form and speak like the Munchkins from the 'Wizard of Oz'. They wear black turbans around their heads. HOUSE OF THE RISING SUN. Episode Three: ALIENS.
Running Time: approx. 25 minutes.
Scene Two: THE ENTRANCE HALL. THE HALL IS LARGE AND SPACIOUS. A CURVING FLIGHT OF STAIRS LEAD UP TO THE BEDROOMS. AGAINST ONE WALL IS THE RECEPTION DESK. HIGH UP ON THE OPPOSITE WALL IS THE METER CUPBOARD. GEORGE IS ON A STEP LADDER, PROBING THE FUSES WITH A SCREWDRIVER. HE IS WEARING YELLOW WASHING-UP GLOVES. GEORGE: Now, let me see... if yellow is live, and red is neutral, then blue, yes blue must be earth. DR MORELL COMES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. HE IS ABOUT SIXTY YEARS OLD. HE WEARS SPECTACLES AND BLACK LEATHER GLOVES. HE HAS A GAMMY LEG AND TALKS LIKE THE FILM STAR, PETER LORRE. DR MORELL: Ha, George, up to your old tricks again, I see. GEORGE: If you don't mind... DR MORELL: But wouldn't you be more comfortable if you strapped yourself into Sandra's gadget upstairs? GEORGE: I'm fixing the electrics, (then under his breath) you revolting little man. DR MORELL: Ah, the electricity. Such a wonderful invention, don't you think. It can give such pleasure and such pain. GEORGE: Veronica's in the lounge. DR MORELL: Our dear Veronica; but I must try and be happy for her. GEORGE: Perhaps you should look up the word 'happy' in a dictionary. Might give you some clues. DR MORELL: There has been much sadness in my life, George, much sadness; almost too much for one man to bear. (pulls out a grubby handkerchief and dabs an eye) GEORGE: (irritated) Well, we all have our problems. Now, if you'll excuse me... DR MORELL: (not listening) Why, only last night my only friend died. GEORGE: You did have one then... we were wondering. DR MORELL: Eva, my alsatian. I'd had her for years. GEORGE: (feigning polite interest) Did she die through illness? DR MORELL: (pinching thumb and forefinger) No. She was just a little bit too tight for me. GEORGE: How sad; but I'm sure you'll get over it. (continues fiddling with the fuse box) DR MORELL: A pity really... have you ever had a dog, George? GEORGE: Only a sheep, and I was pretty drunk at the time. DR MORELL: Our furry friends, they give us so much pleasure, no. GEORGE: Yes. DR MORELL: Ha, the pleasure. I once had a donkey, you should have seen the size of its... GEORGE: I'm sure Veronica's wondering where you are... DR MORELL: Of course, but excuse me, aren't you meant to turn off the power before the fixing? (gestures to the main switch) GEORGE: I know that, you don't have to tell me! DR MORELL: But I am interfering and telling you about my dog, Eva. GEORGE: Yes... look, I'm sorry about your dog. Did you bury it in your garden? DR MORELL: No, I made a tasty casserole out of her, once I'd removed the skin and innards, but it's left me with a little indigestian. (lets out a loud burp) Perhaps I should go and sit in the lounge. GEORGE: What a good idea, doctor. DR MORELL: After all, it is the special theme night for the pain people and I can't be ill. GEORGE: No, of course not. DR MORELL: I have to be on call in case they give a little bit too much pain. GEORGE: They're bound to do that. DR MORELL: Ha, I will have to watch them all very, very closely to see that they don't hurt themselves. I like to watch. (goes through to the lounge dragging his gammy leg behind him) GEORGE: Now, where was I..? (starts probing with the screwdriver) If I can just get to this wire. (the lights flicker on and off) That's it, I've got it! THERE IS A FLASH OF LIGHT AND A LOUD BANG FROM THE METER CUPBOARD. GEORGE IS THROWN FROM THE STEP LADDER. HE LANDS IN A CRUMPLED HEAP ON THE FLOOR. HE IS UNCONSCIOUS. THE SCENE FADES OUT FOR A BRIEF MOMENT. Scene Three: THE ENTRANCE HALL. GEORGE COMES TO. GEORGE: Oh god... what, er... my head, oh my head. (gets groggily to his feet) I need a drink, or two. (goes over to the reception desk, where there is a bottle of brandy lurking) TWO ALIENS COME THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. THEY ARE LEATHERY, BAT-LIKE CREATURES AND ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT OF THIS WORLD. THEY WEAR BLACK TURBANS AROUND THEIR HEADS. THE ALIENS ARE CALLED STEVE AND DAN. THEY ARE SMALL, HUMANOID IN FORM AND SPEAK LIKE THE MUNCHKINS FROM THE 'WIZARD OF OZ'. STEVE: Dear, the traffic in the Crab Nebula, it gets worse every year. DAN: Told you we should have left earlier to beat the rush. STEVE: How was I to know they've put in a contraflow system in one of the outer arms. (bangs his hand on the reception desk) Shop, shop! GEORGE: (rising from behind the desk) Huh? Urgh? STEVE: Greetings earthling. I am Steve. DAN: Dan. STEVE: We saw this place listed in the 'Good Galaxy Guide'. Thought we'd break our journey for some sustenance and procreation. DAN: procreation. GEORGE: (open-mouthed) Who... what... where are you from? STEVE: We're from a strange place far, far away. GEORGE: Croydon? STEVE: Not quite as strange as that, earthling. DAN: We're on our way to the Andromeda Galaxy, but, well, the traffic's awful and it gets boring playing spot the planet and seeing how many Eddie Stobart intergalactic transporters you can count. STEVE: So, a chance to stretch our tentacles on this delightful planet of yours. GEORGE: (still open-mouthed) Sustenance? Procreation? STEVE: Food and sex, earthling. (starts looking George up and down) VERONICA ENTERS. VERONICA: Ah, gentlemen, welcome to our S&M night. DAN: A female of the specis. Most interesting. (starts looking Veronica up and down) VERONICA: I see by your accents that you're foreign gentlemen. Croydon? STEVE: Altair. VERONICA: That's near Purley, isn't it..? never mind, I'm sure your needs are most exotic, but don't worry, the House of the Rising Sun can cater for all tastes. DAN: That's what it said in the Good Galaxy Guide. VERONICA: Perhaps you'd like to come through to the lounge for a drink. (gestures them through before turning back to George)... go upstairs and tell the girls we have some customers, keen enthusiasts by the look of it. GEORGE: (pointing at the receding aliens) But they're, they're... VERONICA: Do it George! They're wearing all the right gear, so they must be loaded. THE SCENE FADES OUT. Scene Four: THE LOUNGE. IT IS LATER THAT EVENING. STEVE AND VERONICA ARE SITTING ON ONE OF THE COUCHES. THEY ARE LAUGHING AND JOKING. VERONICA IS SOMEWHAT DRUNK. GEORGE IS SITTING UP AT THE SMALL BAR. HE IS NOT VERY HAPPY. DR MORELL COMES OVER TO THE BAR TO GET MORE DRINKS FOR THE OTHERS. DR MORELL: Are you barman tonight, George? GEORGE: Serve yourself. DR MORELL: Ha, this I will do please. GEORGE: They're creeps. I don't know why she finds them so interesting. DR MORELL: They have proved themselves to be experts in the lovemaking. The girls are exhausted. They are resting upstairs. GEORGE: (to the sound of more laughter from Veronica and Steve) Creeps. I thought Veronica had more sense. DR MORELL: Veronica, too, is happy after the lovemaking. GEORGE: You mean she, she went with them..?! DR MORELL: Several times... I think this is an M and S night to be remembered. GEORGE: Urrgh... how could she. They're revolting. DR MORELL: Women are strange creatures. I knew one once. She died in mysterious circumstances. (takes the drinks over to the others) GEORGE: (following him over) Are you, are you enjoying yourselves? STEVE: (relaxed, happy and smoking a post-coital cigarette) Very much, thank you. I never knew some of the things you earthlings get up to. And to think, we classified you as having no imagination. GEORGE: What do you mean, no imagination? STEVE: Fish and chips, multi-storey car parks, Noel's House Party. Ha, ha, ha. GEORGE: What about van Gogh, Darwin, Einstein. STEVE: They were all aliens. DR MORELL: But I, too, am an alien. You cannot hold this against us. STEVE: Yes, I thought you were rather strange. DR MORELL: Am I that repulsive? GEORGE: (under his breath) Only when viewed with the lights on. STEVE: Well, Veronica's certainly got imagination. (pats her knee) VERONICA: Oh, we like to put on these little theme evenings every so often, just to entertain our clients. STEVE: Well, you've certainly entertained us tonight. It's a pity that... GEORGE: That you've got to leave now..? VERONICA: (drunkenly) Oh don't go just yet... I know, show George your 'thing'; that'll make him jealous; ha, ha, ha. STEVE: If you wish. (starts unwinding his black turban) THE LIGHTS FLICKER ON AND OFF. GEORGE: I'm really not interested in seeing your 'thing'. It's late and I think we should all... DR MORELL: (spittle forming in the corner of his mouth) Oh, but please, I should like to see your thing. Is it a wound? Will there be pus? STEVE REMOVES HIS TURBAN TO REVEAL AN ELEPHANT-LIKE TRUNK STEMMING FROM HIS FOREHEAD. THE TRUNK IS SHORT, THICK, HAS RIDGES AND WAVES ABOUT IN THE AIR. GEORGE: What the..? DR MORELL: Oh my, no wonder the girls are so exhausted. (licks his lips) Can I, can I touch it, can I clasp it, can I rub it? (reaches out) STEVE: Please, you must not touch. It is quite sore at the moment. GEORGE: What the..? What is it? STEVE: It is the giver of pain and pleasure. VERONICA: (laughing hysterically) How does it compare to your 'giver of pain and pleasure', George? GEORGE: It's revolting. DR MORELL: I think it is wonderful; a thing of beauty. (he reaches out again) STEVE: (slapping the doctor's hand) No, you must not touch. DR MORELL: But I only want to feel it? JACK AND DAN ENTER. DAN IS WEARING A RED DRESS AND HIGH HEELS. HE IS HEAVILY MADE-UP. HIS FISHNET TIGHTS CAN BARELY BE SEEN AGAINST HIS BLACK, LEATHERY SKIN. JACK: I've just introduced our friend here to my wardrobe. He seems to like it... (to steve) My, you are a big boy. DAN: (prancing effeminately around the room) These earthlings have strange, but enjoyable habits. Do you like it? STEVE: (trunk wavering about) Yes, it gives me a definate thrill. DR MORELL: Me too. JACK: I think you'd better take a look at Sandra, doctor, she doesn't seem too well. DR MORELL: Yes, of course. I would very much like to look at Sandra, closely. (limps from the room) VERONICA: (focusing bleary eyes on Dan) But, what have you done to him? JACK: Nothing he didn't want done... I give you, Danielle! DAN: (making a very bad attempt at speaking like a woman) Why, hello boys, have I got something for you. (hand on hip) GEORGE: Chuh, I think it's disgusting.. I hope Sandra's alright. JACK: (eyeing Steve's trunk) she's probably worn out by all the excitement. VERONICA: Yeah, she's been at full stretch all evening. Ha, ha, ha. GEORGE: Well I don't think it's funny... Creeps. (goes over to the bar for a drink) THERE NOW FOLLOWS A BRIEF MONTAGE: JACK AND DAN DANCING AROUND THE ROOM; VERONICA DRUNKENLY HOWLING WITH LAUGHTER; STEVE THE LIFE AND SOUL OF THE PARTY; GEORGE SITTING UP AT THE BAR, IRRITATED BY IT ALL. SWITCHES BACK TO JACK AND DAN AS THEY DANCE PAST THE LOUNGE DOORWAY. DR MORELL IS STANDING THERE. DR MORELL: She's dead. (the others go quiet) Sandra's dead. DA, DA, DAH (SHORT BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC) JACK: Dead, dead; what do you mean dead? DR MORELL: I mean she's inanimate; no longer endowed with life; she's not alive. JACK: So, you mean she's dead? DR MORELL: Yes. JACK: But, dear god, but, how did she die? DR MORELL: Well, ha, her brains have been sucked out. GEORGE: So, she did have some then. She kept that pretty quiet. JACK: Sucked out, sucked out; what do you mean sucked out? DR MORELL: I mean her brain matter has been displaced from the skull cavity by means of a vacuum. JACK: So you mean her brains have been sucked out? DR MORELL: Yes. JACK: Poor Sandra. How awful. Her brains removed. GEORGE: The question is, will anyone notice the difference? DR MORELL: Come, I will show you. THEY ALL FOLLOW DR MORELL OUT OF THE ROOM, EXCEPT FOR VERONICA AND STEVE, WHO REMAIN ON THE SOFA. VERONICA: (drunkenly) Oh, er, what's going on? STEVE: They've just gone for a little walk. It's more cosy with just the two of us, don't you think? VERONICA: Oh yes Steve, (smooching up to him and stroking his trunk) you're a real man. STEVE: well, I'm not quite that, but I know a few tricks VERONICA: I doubt there's much you can teach me. Ha, ha, ha. STEVE: I don't know about that. I'm well-travelled. I've been around. VERONICA: (perking up) Really? STEVE: Oh yes, you wouldn't believe some of the places I've been, some of the things I've done. I've learnt a few tricks in my time. VERONICA: What sort of tricks, Steve? STEVE: Well, for instance I could do something to you that would blow your mind. VERONICA: Oh yes Steve, do it, (cuddles up to him) blow my mind. Scene fades out. Scene Five: THE ENTRANCE HALL/LOUNGE. GEORGE COMES RUNNING DOWN THE STAIRS AND INTO THE LOUNGE. HE IS IN A PANIC. GEORGE: They're dead: all of them, not just Sandra, the other girls as well..! GEORGE COMES TO AN ABRUPT HALT. VERONICA IS LYING PROSTRATE ON THE COUCH. STEVE IS BENT OVER HER. HIS TRUNK IS ATTACHED TO HER FOREHEAD. HE IS OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO SUCK HER BRAINS OUT. GEORGE: ...their brains, have been, sucked out... Bastard! (he dives on top of Steve and wrenches him away from Veronica) STEVE: Leave me alone earthling I am hungry and need to feed. GEORGE: Over my dead body. STEVE: If you wish. (comes lurching at George, his trunk wavering in front of him) GEORGE: Fiend. Stay away from me! STEVE: You are too puny, earthman. You cannot resist my powers. GEORGE: Leave me alone, you bubonic bat. STEVE: Surrender to the inevitable; you might enjoy the experience. GEORGE: Never! PICTURE GOES TO BLACK AND WHITE. GEORGE AND STEVE GRAPPLE WITH EACH OTHER. THEY MOVE IN FAST MOTION TO A BACKGROUND OF MUSIC FROM THE SILENT MOVIES. 20 SECONDS LATER THE PICTURE GOES BACK TO COLOUR. GEORGE AND STEVE PAUSE FOR A MOMENT. GEORGE: Phew, bloody hard work this. (wipes his brow) STEVE: That's melodrama for yer, earthman. THE LIGHTS GO OUT MOMENTARILY. GEORGE MAKES HIS ESCAPE. Scene fades out. Scene Six: THE KITCHEN. GEORGE RUNS IN. HE IS OUT OF BREATH. STEVE'S VOICE CAN BE HEARD FROM THE HALL. STEVE: Resistance is useless. You cannot escape. GEORGE GRABS A FRYING PAN AND HIDES BEHIND THE DOOR. STEVE ENTERS THE KITCHEN. GEORGE: Take that, bastard! (BOING! whacks Steve around the head with the pan) STEVE: Urrgh... (stumbles across the kitchen and falls against the mangle, stunned) GEORGE: Now big boy we'll see just how tough you are. (takes Steve's trunk and feeds it into the mangle.Begins turning the handle. There is a crunching sound) STEVE: Arrgh: Arrgh.' (he cannot extricate his trunk from the mangle) GEORGE: Creep! (begins repeatedly bashing Steve over the head with the frying pan) STEVE GASPS AND MOANS. HE SUCKS AND SLURPS AS HIS BREATH MIXES WITH FLUIDS. FINALLY HE IS DEAD. GEORGE: (throwing the frying pan to one side) See, us earthmen aren't as puny as you think. (stands erect and proud, head back) We are a race of fearless beings. We cross oceans, climb mountains and, er, and do other fearless things. We've harnessed mighty rivers, tamed the atom, invented digital watches. Huh, you don't think a couple of aliens would frighten us... ur, a couple of aliens... (looks around in terror) oh god, I've got to get out of here! (rushes over to the kitchen door, but it is locked and he can't find the key) THE LIGHTS FLICKER ON AND OFF. GEORGE RUNS OUT INTO THE ENTRANCE HALL. Scene Seven: THE ENTRANCE HALL. GEORGE: (breathlessly) The front door, it's, it's never locked. HE HEARS A CREAK FROM THE LANDING. BEGINS BACKING AWAY FROM THE STAIRS, TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR. GEORGE: (eyes wide, staring manically all around) Look, I'm sure you've had quite enough to eat by now. Don't want to get indigestian, do you. Why don't you just get back on board your spaceship and fly away from here and we'll say no more about it, huh? Traffic's bound to have eased a bit by now. I'm sure you'll make good time to wherever you're going... HE BACKS UP TO THE HEAVY VELVET DRAPES THAT PARTIALLY COVER THE FRONT DOOR. DAN IS HIDING BEHIND THEM. THE LIGHTS FLICKER ON AND OFF. DAN'S TRUNK REACHES OUT TO TOUCH GEORGE ON THE SHOULDER. DAN: (with a terrible female accent) Hello big boy. GEORGE JUMPS AND THEN TURNS AROUND. DAN ADVANCES TOWARDS HIM. DAN: (still dressed as a woman, but now with a hard edge to his voice) We are not going anywhere, earthling. For centuries we have been searching for a new home, a home where we can find sustenance and comfort. GEORGE: Sustenance and comfort? DAN: Food and sex, earthling. GEORGE: But, but what's wrong with your own planet? DAN: We are an ancient race. Our sun is old. It is dying. Soon it will no longer give us life... you know, the usual thing. GEORGE: But why earth? DAN: We have been watching you for a long, long time and last Thursday our scientists made their final report. Now, it has been decreed by our supreme leader, Fred, that the planet earth will be our new home. Fred has already begun packing. GEORGE: And you..? DAN: We are the advance party. GEORGE: The advance party? DAN: Of an invasion force that will conquer earth. DA, DA, DAH (SHORT BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC) GEORGE: (backing away) No. No. We will stop you. We will find a way. Jack. Jack! DAN: We are too powerful earthling. The others are all dead. Resistance is useless. DAN IS GETTING EVER CLOSER, HIS HIGH HEELS MAKING HIM TOWER OVER THE COWERING GEORGE. GEORGE STUMBLES AND FALLS. GEORGE: No, no..! DAN LEANS OVER HIM. WE SEE THE END OF HIS TRUNK COMING TOWARDS THE CAMERA UNTIL THE SCENE DARKENS AND FADES. Scene Eight: THE ENTRANCE HALL. DR MORELL IS STRADDLING GEORGE WHILE ATTEMPTING TO GIVE HIM MOUTH TO MOUTH RESUSCITATION. VERONICA IS STANDING NEARBY, HER HANDS CUPED TO HER MOUTH IN WORRY. GEORGE: No, no..! Get off me... urgh, it's horrible, foul, what the..? DR MORELL: Ha, he seems to be coming round. GEORGE: (spitting and coughing) Er, god, it's revolting. DR MORELL: I did clean my teeth last week, George. Perhaps it was the dog casserole I had earlier? VERONICA: Well, at least he is alive... are you ok George? Have you been hurt anywhere? GEORGE: (confused and disorientated) Who? What..? er, no, no, they're coming, they're coming! DR MORELL: Lay still. You are concussed, I think. GEORGE: (getting unsteadily to his feet and pushing the doctor aside) But they're, but they're going to suck my brains out! DR MORELL: Sounds like a nice dream you are having, George. GEORGE: They're invading earth! They want sustenance and comfort! VERONICA: Sustenance and comfort? GEORGE: Food and sex, Veronica. AT THAT MOMENT JACK ENTERS. HE IS CLAD ENTIRELY IN BLACK LEATHER AND CARRIES A WHIP. JACK: Are you ok, we thought the electric shock had killed you? GEORGE: Oh, it's one of them, one of them! (he runs over and begins attacking Jack) JACK: Er, argh! get off me you nut, what are you doing? DR MORELL: Ha, perhaps next time Veronica you should have a fetish theme night instead... END. |